On starting over

This is the story of a girl who is completely fed up.

Three months ago I decided I had finally had enough of working two dead-end jobs in a town I never liked with people I never grew into. A month and a half ago I packed up my entire life into a cargo van and crossed state lines into a brand new city and (hopefully) a brand new life.

So… now what?

Allow me to introduce myself – I’m a chronic non-starter. I’m sort of interested in so many things that I have never been able to fully commit to anything, and therefore have rarely done anything completely or effectively. Hobbies, extracurricular activities, career paths, relationships – I’m terrible at all of them. I never say yes to anything for the sole purpose of having an easy out later on. I have never lasted longer than six months in a new “setting” in any context of the word without getting restless and feeling the need to bail. I hate and crave change all at once.

The flaky girl lifestyle may go over well with John Green fans, but in real life it’s not a good look. When you reach my age, there’s a certain pressure that hangs over everything you do and asserts the idea that it’s time to have your entire existence figured out. What career path are you going to take? What do you enjoy? What do you hate? Who do you want to spend eternity with? What does it all mean?! I DON’T KNOW, STOP YELLING AT ME!!!

The only thing I have figured out for sure is that I love stories. Whenever my world got too crazy or sad or annoying, I immersed myself in someone else’s. I’ve turned to the stories of others countless times; now I need to write my own.

That’s where whatever this is comes in. No one asked me to chronicle my life and the mess I have made/am making of it, but I’m going to do it anyway. Remember how I mentioned being a lifelong non-starter? Blogging and journaling and writing pretty much anything of substance has been a big part of that. I’m ready to start that process from the beginning and make an honest attempt at something real for once. I have no idea what shape that’s going to take over the course of however long I let this go on for, but I’m ready for it.

And you get to watch. Congratulations! And I’m sorry.


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